Ernest Lessons:

Uncle Ernest’s Life Lesson of the Week:

“It is often said that I am a man of excess. I find this hard to comprehend. I enjoy an occasional glass of wine. I also frequently enjoy a bit of rum in my drinks. And at times I have been known to sample a mojito or two or three. Still, the public eye insists that I am a man of excess. Crash a boat in the Pacific with 20 crates of tequila and the papers give you hell for life. Lesson of the Week: do not accept ‘double dares’ from friends. Apparently it is not possible to funnel tequila and navigate a boat all at the same time.”

Ernest Lessons:

Uncle Ernest’s Life Lesson of the Week:

“On my desk next to my typewriter I have the following words emblazoned on a plaque and whenever I find myself struggling with writer’s block, I turn to them and I inevitably feel more relaxed and more at ease with myself and my work, heed them well:

‘Remember the three M’s: Misogyny, Machine-guns, & Murder, as long as these three are present in a story, one is surely to never fail.’

Alas, the lessor known three N’s are not as reliable as the three M’s: Ninjas, Nickels, & Note-cards.

The three M’s though, these words have never failed me and I find that my readers are always pleased when these elements are in place. I mean afterall, who could say no to a story about a machine-gun? Would you?”

Ernest Lessons:

Uncle Ernest’s Life Lesson of the Week:

“I was nibbling on a lemon cookie this morning when I happened to view the drama that is nature. A small fly flew into a brown spider’s web. As the fly struggled in vain against the web and as I watched the brown spider creep ever closer to its prey, a lovely thought came into my mind, a revelation about life and the very essence of nature: you can take the girl out of Jersey, but not the Jersey out of the girl, a friend of mine from Jersey actually eats glass, I swear to god….glass!”

Ernest Lessons:

Uncle Ernest’s Life Lesson of the Week:

“The most difficult thing to do in the world is to make up your mind and get up in the morning … … well that and listening to Zelda and F. Scott Fitzgerald argue about the latest in sweater fashions.”

Ernest Lessons:

Uncle Ernest’s Life Lesson of the Week:

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, again. OR scream in rage and hurl copies of The Cantos, I find that works equally well.”

Ernest Lessons:

Uncle Ernest’s Life Lesson of the Week:

“The greatest hunt in life is the hunt for truth and knowledge. Also, my trousers. BLAST! I cannot find them.”

Ernest Lessons:

Uncle Ernest’s Life Lesson of the Week:

“Always remember: It’s America’s way or the Hemingway!”

Ernest Lessons:

Uncle Ernest’s Life Lesson of the Week:

“Fidel Castro once gave me some advice that I’ve never forgotten. Hemmy he said to me, ‘Never forget this piece of advice I’m about to share with you, it got me out of some tough pickles back in my day: You can take the tuna out of the can, but you can’t take the can out of the tuna!’ That’s always stuck with me, but then again so has the vomit stain thats on my favorite coat, tacos and tequilla do not make for a good mix.”

Ernest Lessons:

Uncle Ernest’s Life Lesson of the Week:

“In order to write about nature, one must first experience nature. I find this is best achieved with a harpoon and a mahout or two.”

Ernest Lessons:

Uncle Ernest’s Life Lesson of the Week:

“Today I learned that sometimes an elephant-gun is just too much gun, especially when not hunting elephants. Poor goldfish.” *sigh.